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5 Steps to Improve Your Marriage Now
Don't make excuses... just Do It.
Improve your marriage? Really? How does that happen?
Well there are really many ways to accomplish that worthy goal. As as jumping off point, here are five things you
can start doing right now to greatly improve your marriage.
All of these choices can be made individually regardless of what your mate may or may not do. If you both choose to
do them, then that's a huge bonus. However, one person can make choices on their own to improve a marriage.
The only question is, "How bad do you want change?"
1) Stop Keeping Score
A simple fact about human nature is that, when it comes to personal relationships, we are horrible scorekeepers.
Research has demonstrated that we will always give ourselves more "points" than our partner. We tend to think that
we are doing more than our mate when it comes to giving to our relationship. Guess what? They are thinking the same
thing (and it does not matter how much you think they're wrong).
The solution? Don't keep score at all. Research has also proven that couples who take a scorekeeping, 50/50
mentality of marriage rate lower in marital satisfaction than those who don't.
Want to improve your marriage?
Stop Keeping Score.
2) Learn to take a "Time Out"
One of the most important things any couple can do for their marriage is simply avoid saying and doing things that
are harmful to the relationship. I know that falls under the "That's Obvious" category. But even knowing that is
true, it is amazing how much and how often people destroy their love by saying mean, hurtful, and disrespectful
things to the one they love the most.
In counseling, we will get into proven methods for stopping the escalation process that usually leads to
relationally damaging behavior. For now, learn to take a "Time Out." This is not running away from or avoiding
problems. This is simply saying, "I want to discuss this issue with you, but I feel that if we keep going down our
current path, I am going to say things I'll regret. I would like to take a Time Out and come back to this (fill in
a time) when I'm not upset."
Notice you spoke for you, not them.
Stop doing further damage to your marriage; improve your marriage now.
Learn to take a "Time Out."
3) Remember "Why"
You married your mate for a reason, and it was more than, "Because we were in love," or that you thought you were
"Soul Mates." Think about it. Reflect on your dating days. Write it down. You got married with the hope of a future
together. You wanted a lifetime partner and you were convinced that this was the person you wanted that permanent
relationship with.
A simple truth about people is that when things get difficult in a relationship, our brains re-write the history of
that relationship. We look for proof from past events as to why it should end and ignore all of the positives about
why we believed this marriage was a good choice in the beginning. You need to be diligent and deliberate about
remembering why you married your mate.
We also need to understand that the common "Once you're down, you're done," belief is just flat wrong. People
believe that if you fall in love and then fall out of love, you can never fall in love with that person again.
That's a myth. You can get the love back. Believing you would always be in love is one reason you said, "I do."
There were many great reasons you got married then and there are many great reasons to improve your marriage
now.
Remember "Why."
4) Be Nice
One recent research study on couples who have been happily married for over 20 years proved what we
all learned in elementary school: Being Nice is Very Important. To the surprise of no decent professional in my
field, the study validated that one of the primary characteristics of happily married couples is that they choose
to be nice to each other simply because they are married. They choose to be nice!
You can choose to be nice, too. Remember, your choices are not dependent upon anyone else's. Right now, think of
something that you know your mate would like ... and go do that thing. Don't argue with me or yourself about how
they don't deserve it or you don't feel like it. You probably didn't feel like going to work, paying the bills, or
cleaning the house the last time you did those things, but you did them.
Do you want to improve your marriage? Go do it. Now.
Be Nice.
5) Be Committed
The opposite of those who take a 50/50 view of their relationship are those who take a sacrificial view of
marriage. This is not a doormat view where you let yourself be walked on. That goes to the issue of self and mutual
respect which is a core tenant of my counseling process. A sacrificial view of marriage means that one person is
committed to their mate simply because, well, they love them. That's what they signed up for when they said their
vows.
They Don't Keep Score because they're committed.
They take a Time Out because they are committed.
They Remember Why they got together because they are committed.
They choose to Be Nice, because, yes, they are committed.
Do you really want to change your marriage far more than you could ever imagine?
If so, then for the next 30 days, commit to do these five things every single day. Not one day, not one week, not
even 14 days but every day for 30 days.You'll be amazed.
I'm here to help if you need me. Everyone needs an outside perspective at some point in their life. When it comes
to your marriage, you need to make sure that the outsider is capable, qualified, and committed to saving your
marriage.
Do you want to improve you marriage? Do these five things now and watch what happens. You will be amazed!
For more help, contact me now to set up a phone or face-to-face counseling appointment.
Dr. Tim Alan Gardner
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Dr. Tim A. Gardner, LMHC
11805 North Pennsylvania Street
Carmel, Indiana 46032 USA
317.804.1313
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