It is a common question and, if you just go off of a quick Google search or the views of a few frustrated friends, you may conclude that, for the most part, the sad answer is, "No." But is that true? Does all marriage counseling fail? Does it ever succeed in helping a couple work our their issues and stay together happily? And when it does fail (which it often does) are there several important contributing factors that are often ignored when it comes to a discussion of the validity and usefulness of marriage counseling?

Let me say as a marriage and family counselor and as a researcher, that, yes, marriage counseling can and does work for many couples. But in order to know when and why it works, it is important to know when and why it fails.

There are four primary reasons that marriage counseling fails.

First of all (and it seems unbelievable, I know), marriage counseling often fails simply because the person who has presented themselves as a marriage counselor could really care less about your marriage. These "counselors" are more focused on individual issues than couple issues and if they see that you, as an individual, are stressed out about the marriage, their answer is to, "Get out of the marriage." I honestly cannot remember the number of times in my career when a couple has come into my office and opened with, "We’ve been to 'X' number of counselors who have all told us we should just get a divorce. The problem is we don’t want a divorce; we want our marriage to work. Can you help us?" I always tell them, "Yes," while apologizing for my unprofessional colleagues.

Second, marriage counseling fails because the therapist, who may sincerely desire to save the marriage, simply doesn’t know what they’re doing. They are not aware of what does and does not work in the counseling process. It’s can be a weird field where there are lots of "good ideas," but good ideas and good intentions don’t always produce good results. Speaking as a graduate professor of counseling, I know of many theories that simply do not work to improve a marriage.

Third, marriage counseling can fail because the couple is D.O.A. - dead on arrival. Research has demonstrated that the average couple shows up in the counselor’s office SIX YEARS after one or both of them believes they have significant problems. Six years!! A lot of damage can be done in six years, not the least of which is moving one member of the couple to simply not care at all anymore. In this situation, it doesn’t matter how good the doctor/counselor is, there has only been one person in history who could raise the dead.

Fourth and finally, marriage counseling can fail simply because the couple is unwilling to do the work necessary to fix and save the marriage. Many people today are looking for the "Magic Pill" or the "Miracle Prayer" to fix everything: depression, weight loss, their job, their kids, or their marriage. The truth is, each of us as individuals has responsibilities; each of us as well as choices we can (and need to) make in order to improve our lives and our relationships. There is not magic pill or miracle prayer to fix your marriage - but there are choices you can make.

With the right counselor who cares about your marriage, knows what they’re doing, not finding them too late, and being willing to do the work, your marriage can be everything you want it to be.

So, does marriage counseling work?

Yes, marriage counseling can work.

And I can help make that a reality for you.

Book an appointment online today!

Dr. Tim Alan Gardner

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Dr. Tim A. Gardner, LMHC
11805 North Pennsylvania Street
Carmel, Indiana 46032 USA
317.804.1313

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